I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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