i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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