you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
