Dude my mom stole all your condoms
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
