How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
