2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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