I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
