college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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