Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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