I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
