He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
