shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
