i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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