you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
