Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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