You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
