There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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