Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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