fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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