If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
