Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
organizing the empties. That sober.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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