if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
