It's Friday. Sex?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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