Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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