they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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