i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
