I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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