You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
