he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
