How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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