im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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