saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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