the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
