his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
