You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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