Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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