i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
