wat bout pragnant strippers??
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
