never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
