I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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