Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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