I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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