I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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