True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
