Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is the high leading the old right now
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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