epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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