Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i drank out of a bidet.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
