Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
