i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
