Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
