Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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