My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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