im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Four minutes until I can fart!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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